In Rachel’s own words, “For a number of years, I've struggled with body dysmorphia, self-harm, eating disorders, and general insecurity about the way I look. I took this to extremes in some harmful ways, and when I was in college, I ended up modeling for friends and local photographers, some of which involved me exposing parts of my body I avoided looking at too closely. While I was often uncomfortable, if not downright miserable, in the midst of the shoot, the images afterwards allowed me to see myself in both a more objective and flattering light. Obviously the editing, professional makeup, and choreographed poses didn't hurt, but it made me realize just how much of what I saw on social media was the result of careful lighting and sometimes painful posing in addition to high-level edits and curated lives.
As someone that works in social media and spends a lot of time on these platforms, the body positivity movement and influencers being more transparent helped me shift my view from "I hate my stomach/arms/whatever" to a more neutral "My stomach/arms/whatever are just a body part.” This boudoir session, along with shifting to a more healthy exercise routine and a focus on intuitive eating, were all meant to move the needle closer to self-acceptance, and hopefully self-love.
The amount of time and money and energy I've wasted worrying about flaws that others don't even notice is staggering…”
I’m going to go back and forth between Rachel’s experience and my own perspective throughout this blog post.
Me: Personally, I strongly identify with Rachel’s story. I struggled with my sense of self-worth and hated the way my body looked for many years. I can also appreciate the desire to be photographed and see our bodies from another perspective. I actually did some photoshoots of my own in high school, and I remember being persuaded by a creepy old man to get completely topless and tape my breasts up so they looked a certain way. Looking back to that experience, I wouldn’t say it was a big “T” trauma, but it is definitely something that I would not want any women to have to go through. Part of what I offer women is the exact opposite of that experience, reclaiming their bodies and sexuality for themselves.
I love that part of Rachel’s healing journey is through social media, which is often the villain, and rightly so. I, too, have found inspiration in seeing body diversity and acceptance online. As a boudoir photographer, I have seen thousands of bodies, each beautiful in their own unique way. It is what has led me towards the body positive movement and becoming passionate about posting my images online. I understand the power of social media, and I choose to use it to help women and love and accept their bodies as they are.
Rachel: Since I had done photoshoots in the past, I didn't expect to feel so awkward this time! The first few shots, my heart was pounding, and I couldn't stop worrying about how one angle or another would make me look. After that, it all melted away and the session flew by. Rebecca was amazing in every way, and could not have made me feel more comfortable with her.
Rachel: When I first saw the final images, I honestly hated them.
I hated seeing my body fully exposed, especially since I've been dealing with some weight gain (thanks Corona), and that pulled a lot of old issues to the surface.
Rachel: I put the images aside, and went back to look at them as if I were seeing photos of a stranger. And then I loved them.
The way that Rebecca captured me was unexpected, even though I knew what poses I was in, and the outfits I had worn.
It took months for me to look at the photos without cringing or seeing only flaws, but the more I looked at them and saw other aspects: the rich colors, the interplay of shapes, the more I was able to appreciate them.
My boyfriend thought they were all great, and we definitely had a hard time choosing the final images.
Rebecca: A few years ago I would have hard a hard time publicizing that one of my clients opened their gallery for the first time and hated their pictures. Even now, when Rachel told me that, my heart pounded a little bit. My goal has always been to create the most beautiful images my clients have ever seen of themselves, pieces of art that will last forever. And when I look at Rachel, I see such a gorgeous woman. Knowing her story, I so badly wanted her to see that too.
Yet, I know her experience is vital for women to understand about boudoir photography and the ever evolving journey of self-love. When we go decades of hating and punishing our bodies to fit into this societal mold of beauty, we can’t undo it all in one day. I ask women to look at their boudoir sessions as part of their journey towards body acceptance and self-love. It’s not the end all be all, but nothing is. I guess it’s scary to think that there isn’t one “cure" for body insecurities or body dysmorphia, but I take solace in knowing that the journey is meant to teach us new things about ourselves on each new level of self-love.
When I look back at my own life and my healing process, I am so grateful for where I am today. If I hadn’t been working on myself all of these years, I don’t even want to know where I would be.
The fact that Rachel hated her pictures at first, but then went back to them and loved them is a huge milestone! We’ve been conditioned to look at our “flaws” first, but instead of rejecting herself altogether, Rachel decided to use this session as a tool for shifting her perspective. I think that is so effing beautiful and courageous.
When I asked Rachel if this experience changed her perspective of herself, she said, “It showed me just how much more work I have to do with body image issues, and how far I have to go on my journey.
I think that this boudoir session was a key part of my self-work, and I have no regrets doing the shoot. I'm hoping to do another one soon.”
Rachel: My advice for women dealing with insecurities is to face them head on. Wear a crop top that makes you feel exposed, put on the lingerie that you’re unsure about, run down the beach without a cover up. You might feel shame or embarrassment or worry the first time or the first 10 times, and then you’ll realize your world won’t explode.
I would definitely recommend a boudoir session to anyone that's ever struggled with seeing themselves as beautiful. I would also recommend it to women that have never had control over professional images taken of their bodies, or that have never taken the time to give themselves a gift that's only for them.
Hair and Makeup by Malkah Esther Botnick