“I’m Sam, a non-binary disabled person. I wanted to do a boudoir session to heal and build a connection with my whole body. Between sexual trauma and growing up disabled where your body is constantly touched and moved by others, body autonomy was not learned and fostered growing up.
I had learned to dissociate and disconnect from my body, and I built a relationship with my body of feeling like it was my foe. Constantly fighting my body to do more and be less, and it wasn’t from a place of love.
Through this experience, I wanted to strengthen and really build a pathway of connection between my body and mind and between my body and sexuality and sensuality. I wanted to feel my body in a positive, loving, and powerful way. I wanted to see past the flaws I could see in the mirror and find myself. My true, powerful, beautiful self, and let that shine and send sparks through my body.
I wanted to play between the binary in a way that I felt connected to my true self, not what the world determined was where my place was…”
“Before my boudoir session with Rebecca, I felt very disconnected in my body. There was the upper half of my body and the lower half of my body, and it was disconnected at the hip or even the stomach. I have experienced different types of sexual trauma that left their mark, feeling shame and disconnect from my hips and vagina. It also left me with the feeling of not wanting to be connected to that, as if it showed weakness somehow.
As a non-binary person, I also felt like I needed to be very androgynous and always portray myself in that fashion to the world so they would recognize and accept my gender-non-conforming self. Also, as an overweight person who has dealt with an eating disorder and has been in toxic environments around body size, I definitely had the thought plenty of times that I should wait till I lose all the weight, and I am at my fittest to be photographed. I also struggle with scars and marks on my body from various things.
I felt like I needed to have smooth skin and “all the things” to be worthy of taking photos. If I was going to do a boudoir session, I felt like had to be the best version of myself.”
“Leading up to the session, I clicked with Rebecca right away. She met me where I was coming from, and validated my desires and what I wanted from the session. I could see that she knew I could get more and go further than what I was saying I wanted, but she gave me the space to figure that out through her journaling process.
Similarly, during the session, we started off in my comfort zone, mostly covered up. Rebecca created a safe and growing space. She pushed me to get to the places I wanted to go but didn't know I wanted to go there or how to get there. Hair and makeup with Rhonda was just a phenomenal experience. I came out of it wanting to do my hair and makeup more often. I wasn't pushed to be “feminine.” As someone who has struggled with the binaryness of gender and gender expression, the process of hair and makeup actually enhanced my feeling confident in my body and expressing my gender identity and just identity as a whole.
I leaned in and out of myself during the session, but Rebecca was really good at bringing me back to my body in a comfortable way. Honestly, it reminded me why I started taking selfies of myself and why photo documentation of yourself is so powerful, wherever you are. There is something about the connection between the camera and photographer that bring out an empowered side, especially when it is Rebecca on the other side of the camera. She also knew how to use the time and pose me. I enjoyed the experience without it going too long and my regular body pain and mental fatigue setting in. It was the perfect amount of time, and left me wanting to do it again.”
“I felt really good during the actual session. I loved my hair and makeup and just felt really connected to my whole body. Afterward, I met up with my mom for lunch, and I felt really powerful and happy in my body, and she noticed it.
There was an internal power and joy, and also an external one that I wanted to share with others. I felt aligned in my body, mind, and soul, and of course, there was an adrenaline high as well. I definitely did not want to remove my makeup or shower and mess up my hair. I wanted to see more of myself and felt good and centered in my body, more than I had in years.”
“I had complicated feelings when I saw the pictures for the first time.
Firstly, I pushed off opening the gallery forever. After really enjoying the actual photography session, I was really nervous about seeing my body. At that time, I felt uncomfortable in my body, and my mind had convinced me that somehow I was just super ugly, and there was no way I was going to look good in any of the shots, and why the hell did I think I could do this.
Once I could get out of my head enough, and Rebecca nudged me nicely a few times, I opened the shots and started looking through them.
I had mixed reactions. There were definitely shots where my first response was, “damn, I am so big, and those rolls are so unflattering.” But there were shots, especially profile and face shots where my first thought was “damn, that makes an epic headshot, and I could model if I wanted to.”
I think going through it for the first time, I definitely gravitated towards my face and profile shots, where my body was somewhat covered. But coming back later and picking pictures for my album, I found beauty and power in my body as is. What I also found through looking through the photographs is that I felt powerful in my body in shots. both where I gave a powerful stare to the camera, but also when I relaxed and leaned into being in my body and feminine energy. The soft power came across and empowered me to not always feel like I need to share this strong aura in order to be powerful.”
“This boudoir experience definitely has had a long-lasting effect on me. I stop to look in the mirror more and try to find the energy I felt in profile shots in the camera. I feel more continuously connected in my body. I feel like a big part of feeling like I needed to lose weight in order to be and feel beautiful has changed. I still want to lose weight to feel my best, but my body, as is, with all its flaws and all it is now, is worthy and valuable and beautiful.
I would recommend this experience specifically to those who have gone through trauma around their body, at any age. Obviously, other therapy needs to be happening, but this is a different experience. It’s an opportunity to be in your own body, in a joyful and sexy way. You define sexy for yourself. You get to redefine connection and reconnect to your body, mind, and soul in a way that you don’t get just doing classic therapy.
I also would specifically recommend this experience to disabled folks and others who feel unworthy and unsexy, and ones who aren't “supposed” to feel good and powerful in their body, for whatever reason.”
Sam’s IG account: @disabledreamer
Hair and Makeup by Rhonda Lev