“Like most people, my relationship with my body is complicated. I live with chronic pain because of multiple diagnosed and undiagnosed illnesses. This past year I received a new diagnosis which, on the one hand, gave me a lot of clarity and answers to questions I’ve had for years. On the other hand, has changed my day-to-day life. I now wear a medical corset, a knee brace, and have accessibility aids around my house. Though I’ve been in pain my whole life, this new diagnosis has put me in an emotional battle with how I view my body. I was feeling that this was just another way in which my body has betrayed me.
After a few months of navigating this new reality, I decided to book this boudoir shoot with Rebecca. I had this vision for what I wanted this to look like. I didn’t want only the classic beautiful pictures. I wanted it to feature my corset and brace, and for the shoot to take place in my house…”
“My aim was for this shoot to be authentic to where I am right now, and that includes my fabulous support aids. They are part of who I am and it’s important for me that they are celebrated. They can be more than a symbol of betrayal, they can be an extension of me, but I needed to see that.
I wanted to see and experience my body in a nuanced and multifaceted way. Strong, sexual, beautiful, delicate, loved, supported.”
“I wasn’t too nervous leading up to the day of. It was all planned out, and I knew Rebecca would be supportive, excited, and not phased by whatever I brought to the session.
The photoshoot itself felt so fun and free! The makeup artist, Rhonda Lev, was an absolute pro. I loved her artistry. The time she spent doing my makeup, while the three of us were just casually chatting, really did help calm the jitters before the shoot.
It honestly felt so special to be the center of attention, to be complimented so much, and just to let my body be in that moment. It’s obvious how much Rebecca loves her work. She was in great spirits, and I had so much fun being photographed by her.
She made me feel so comfortable and beautiful throughout the whole experience.”
“When I received my gallery of images, I was so happy and in love with what I was seeing!
But then was hit with something unexpected…”
“Out of the many gorgeous pictures that I received; I saw two (only two out of over a hundred) that triggered this vile voice in my head that I didn’t recognize. It came out to say that I was huge, ugly, and fat. I was shocked. This brief moment stunned me.
I didn’t recognize the voice – what was that? I don’t use that type of language with myself, and obviously “fat” is just a description, not an insult. So why was this voice coming up? Why was it talking so negatively to my body?
I sat with the pictures open and started to journal these thoughts. Giving them space, not judging but trying to understand where they were coming from. At this moment I started to realize the depth in which diet culture and hyper-sexualization of young girls’ seep.
These voices were not mine, but rather the voices of my childhood.”
“Growing up I was told, “it’s a shame, you’d be so pretty if you weren’t fat.”
At young ages, think even before the age of 14, I was coerced to diet out of this notion that “I could be a model if I weren’t fat.” At the dinner table, I would be told that I should stop eating so much, at times pieces of bread would be taken out of my hands.
Before my Bat Mitzvah, I was taken to wax the blonde hair off my arms, legs, eyebrows, and mustache.
As the tall and curvy girl, I was told that I was being inappropriate or dressing in a sexualized manner, just because the clothes didn’t fit properly on my growing body. Or because my legs were longer and, therefore, more visible. Or my breasts were larger and, therefore, more protruding. For years I wore only baggy jackets over baggy shirts and skirts, in order to try to minimize those comments.
Looking at my family then, and still until today, the diet culture is deeply rooted. Sitting for any meal is consequently met with the inevitable conversation of “the diet starts tomorrow,” “I need a juice cleanse after this,” etc. Conversations that are inherently ablest, may I add. But I digress.
Reflecting on all of this made me realize that those voices, the ones I heard looking at those two pictures, were never mine. These photographs are a rebellion against Every. Single. Thing. I have ever been told, and those voices were the “reaction.”
This realization gave me a sense of release. As if I took a deep breath of fresh air for the first time in a long time.”
“I am leaving this session with a newfound sense of awe. I am in awe of my body’s resilience. My body lives with chronic pain, survived random illnesses and injuries, overcame endless obstacles, and is living through a pandemic. My body provides me with wonders, and I am so grateful.”
“I would recommend this to the women who are feeling drained in their day-to-day lives.
Women who recognize that they might need an external push to take care of their physical and mental state.
This boudoir session gave me that external push to take care of myself, even though work is hard, and things are stressful.
This experience brought to the forefront of my mind how important it is to invest in myself, to take that time to appreciate everything that brought me to this moment in my life.”
Kodak Film // Processed and scanned by Panda Labs
Hair and Makeup by Rhonda Lev